The Faith

There have been circumstances beyond my control that have challenged me to know why I believe the things I do. I want to impact those around me for the better and find it hard to do when what I have believed has been based off of what other people have told me to believe versus knowing for myself. I have been reading this book by chuck colson called "the faith" it has changed the way I think and has challenged my worldview.

" What we choose really does matter. If we live in an exclusively material world, human life- including mine and yours- is absolutely meaningless. No matter how intense your passions, how great our accomplishments, or what side of history we choose, all of the will turn to dust in a universe doomed for extinction. Nothing apart from God counts, as Solomon so eloquently wrote four thousand years ago in Ecclesiastes- words that ring true today."

I thought this was interesting. I have been through a series of moments with God, ranging from a deep depression and wondering if there really is a God( A thought that threatens the motives behind every thought and action from the past eights year) to loving everything about Him. I have debated over and over if there really is only one God and have allowed myself to think from a different perspectives giving myself the freedom to ask questions that may not have been considered appropriate before. I don't think anyone can fully make a decision so big without this type of reflection.

I have been enticed by the new fad of the post modern church. Everything is relative and there is no absolute truth. Good deeds are they way to go and no one to tell you what is right or wrong. Although this has been tempting, it still does not fit what I am looking for. I am sorry if I am babbling, but I am processing.

What I have desired for most of my life before and after salvation, is to see justice on this earth. When I look around to the people who are desperate for love, desperate for something to be real I can't help but want to hold them until they feel love. I am absolutely sure that love can move mountains. There is nothing more powerful. If someone chooses to love someone else, without reserve, there is nothing that is impossible. I don't think it matters if you have been loved like this, you can learn. You might make the assumption that I am talking about the homeless, those without family, the poor and needy, ones who seem desperate, but from my experience, they are not the only ones in need, it is everyday people, those who seem to have it all together or those who may appear to not need anyone.

I know what it is like to carry a burden that seems impossible to bear or to be alone and feel like there is no one who could possibly understand what you are going through. I know what it is like to want to run from everything and to not want responsibility anymore. To feel like hope is not possible.

I have watched people around me choose to give up on life. Convinced that life could not possibly get better. I don't know why bad things have to happen and I can't explain why some people are given a pleasurable life and others have to fight for survival, but I think that is why I so desperately need for God to be true and for the love that He has to be real. I have to believe that for all the suffering in the world that there is a God that will comfort all those who mourn and carry burdens for those who cannot hold them any longer.

This is why I do not believe that we are simply a materialistic world, people matter. When we allow for others to compare us to animals and strip us of our humanity this is where problems arise. Violence no longer matters, saving an african kid from hunger no longer matters. Our passions no longer matter if intelligent design did not give us purpose.

I hope all that made sense...

happy note!

I have been working at Parkland Chevrolet for the past 10 months. It is not my passsion to say the least. I have a new job now! I am a nanny for a family right down the road from me! Three cute little boys! I am so excited!

my family

Welcome to my family.

My mother was evicted from her apartment last week. Her boyfriend/ fiance has cancer and has moved out to his mothers house, she was supposed to go with but they ditched her at the last moment leaving her homeless and with out money. How am I to deal? There are no classes on how to properly take care of your parents. Now you would assume that it would not take me convincing her that she needed to start figuring out what she was going to do. It could not be that easy. I know that I may seem a bit heartless or uncaring, but I have been raising my parents since I was about 8 or 9 and have still yet to perfect my parenting skills. I love them... I really do. When exactly does tough love become part of the equation?

I have managed to talk her into getting in the shower and telling herself that there is hope and that she can move forward with expectation of good... I hope it sticks. I have offered her Jesus in the past, that is the only hope I know but she is not interested. So, she is moving in with my aunt. This is neither good nor bad. She will have a roof over her head and will most likely be fed but will be living in the ghetto of an indian reservation, surrounded by people who will gladly feed her addiction. Alcohol has been her constant companion for as long as I can remember. Her best friend even. She has had a tough life and cannot blame her for needing some sort of out, I just hope she can fully experience living before she dies.

My sister lived with her and is also in the process of finding a place to live. I am not worried about her, she is like me she will survive in most any situation and smile most of the way through. She has a son, his name is xzavier, he is almost three years old. We have an interesting relationship because I practically raised her. We are learning how to be sisters instead of "mother" and "daughter." I think it is going well. I worry about where she is going in life, but am proud of how far she has made it given what we started with.

I just found out my dad is back in jail... I haven't talked to him in a long time. Enough said.

There are good things about my family. Given what is going on, this is all I could come up with at the moment.

my first one...

I feel so much pressure, writing your first post is very important. You must grab the readers attention, speak from the heart, and get a point across all at the same time. Whew! Here we go...

My purpose in having a blog, is more for my sanity than anything. I am an internal thinker and when asked what is on my mind I have no idea where to start. I could not capture my audiences attention long enough to fully delve into the inner working of my heart and mind, nor do I always want to.

I feel a proper introduction is due, not all of you know me. I am a bad speller and bad at puncuation, so please excuse my mistakes. You may correct me, but please know I have plenty(or maybe just one) annoying friend who keeps me in check. I have a pretty colorful life, I grew up in the ghetto but have worked hard to get where I am. I believe education is highly important and nothing is worth anything without God. I have had this slight obsession with living as close to natural/organic/obstaining from all that "normal" dr's have to offer. I will not give in to "the man". I have many other things I am passionate about and will probably come out from time to time in my post. I promise to be as honest, at least as much to my knowledge. Thank you for listening thus far. I am off work now and will revisit my "first post" later.